please jump

hair and life messy, mind lost in obscure thoughts inspired by the dream i had last night when i was younger and running around with extreme emotions. now i can keep a secret for a year, even from my closest friends, i can put the shades down and pretend nobody is in. make a cup of coffee and a new myself to offer to people as i stand back and see how they like it. or go to bed as a different person every night and keep a light heart. i used to wonder, how much more can one's heart expand? now i can take all of you in and give a strong hug but will it last forever. i love you for being funny and you for the soft look in the eyes and you for the laugh and you for the bitterness and you for being there all my life and you for your childishness, you for the ever squeezable cheeks and on and on i can go, and list the countless things you all do that make me happy that make me love you. then it rains and none of this makes sense. i get stuck. on a piece of food that the waiter forgot to wipe off, a strand of hair that fell on my shirt, drop of yesterday's tea on my desk. obsessing on the details, i forget all that i loved and i become all that i think about. i think of the things not known, things that i let weigh me down because i let them lift me up in the first place. i am more mellow but i do hurt. and i am only so happy when it is the sunniest day.

night conversation

as warm as me. as strong as me. as tearful and funny as me.
one frog smiling and saying 'hey take these from me, a bunch of presents that will make you you'
one cat purring while looking into my eyes
he knows
what is happening on dreary days like this
when i feel completely disconnected
not wanting to go home, not wanting to stay here.

and so i give the presents away
i am so loved so lovely
yet i still feel i am hanging by a thread.